I hate this

I really hate that things have come to this, why do I keep fucking things up worse and worse? Everything was not built on a lie, it was built on us. I should have told her, but my stupid mind twisted everything and made me so paranoid that I couldn't. I feel so pathetic and so hopeless right now. I saw her and I couldn't even say anything. It was like the day after it happened all over again, when I saw her at school and turned the other way just to spare myself the pain of talking to her. I tried to justify it by telling myself it was for her, but it was for me, I can't lie to myself. The worst part is that I think she could have been the one person to actually turn my life around. I had stopped smoking, I was eating right, and I was doing so well, I don't know why I always fuck it up, but I can't stop.