I hate this

I really hate that things have come to this, why do I keep fucking things up worse and worse? Everything was not built on a lie, it was built on us. I should have told her, but my stupid mind twisted everything and made me so paranoid that I couldn't. I feel so pathetic and so hopeless right now. I saw her and I couldn't even say anything. It was like the day after it happened all over again, when I saw her at school and turned the other way just to spare myself the pain of talking to her. I tried to justify it by telling myself it was for her, but it was for me, I can't lie to myself. The worst part is that I think she could have been the one person to actually turn my life around. I had stopped smoking, I was eating right, and I was doing so well, I don't know why I always fuck it up, but I can't stop.

I fucked up...

I really fucked up this time... she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I fucked it up. I should have told her that I knew about her blog, I should have told her the day I found out. I can't stand that I am losing everything, my love, my daughter, my entire life is just falling apart. I fucking hate what is going on... why can't I just stop fucking things up?

UGH!!!!

So yesterday was mother's day and like an idiot I didn't say Happy Mother's Day to her... Even worse, my mom tells me that to be the "bigger person" I should send a text to the ex saying happy mother's day... this opens a flood gate... she starts telling me that she is contemplating a restraining order, says that I am emotionally and mentally abusive and I also find out that my daughter was in the hospital for kidney problems a couple weeks ago and had to have an IV and a catheter put in. WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T SHE TELL ME THIS!?!?!?!?! After all that, I also find out that they have been in town since Friday but didn't bother to tell me, after all I am only... I don't know... HER FATHER! After all this, I finally get back to the house and my girlfriend isn't talking to me much... she even left and slept on the couch... I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I need to figure it out before I lose everything again.