I can't fucking win...

How can someone go from saying that they love someone to utterly destroying them... I sit here and type this with such a broken spirit, wounded pride and broken heart. I never believed that the woman that I love, and no more than a week ago was professing her love for me, would tell me that at this point she cannot foresee any future relationships with me, and that it is hard enough being friends with me and that sometimes she can barely stand to be in the same room as me. I really don't get it.... I just don't fucking get it... I know I fucked up once... But I never treated her bad, I always did everything to help, I never cheated or hit her or raised my voice to her or her kids... I never did anything to warrant that type of a reaction... I just don't fucking get it...

I hate this

I really hate that things have come to this, why do I keep fucking things up worse and worse? Everything was not built on a lie, it was built on us. I should have told her, but my stupid mind twisted everything and made me so paranoid that I couldn't. I feel so pathetic and so hopeless right now. I saw her and I couldn't even say anything. It was like the day after it happened all over again, when I saw her at school and turned the other way just to spare myself the pain of talking to her. I tried to justify it by telling myself it was for her, but it was for me, I can't lie to myself. The worst part is that I think she could have been the one person to actually turn my life around. I had stopped smoking, I was eating right, and I was doing so well, I don't know why I always fuck it up, but I can't stop.

I fucked up...

I really fucked up this time... she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I fucked it up. I should have told her that I knew about her blog, I should have told her the day I found out. I can't stand that I am losing everything, my love, my daughter, my entire life is just falling apart. I fucking hate what is going on... why can't I just stop fucking things up?

UGH!!!!

So yesterday was mother's day and like an idiot I didn't say Happy Mother's Day to her... Even worse, my mom tells me that to be the "bigger person" I should send a text to the ex saying happy mother's day... this opens a flood gate... she starts telling me that she is contemplating a restraining order, says that I am emotionally and mentally abusive and I also find out that my daughter was in the hospital for kidney problems a couple weeks ago and had to have an IV and a catheter put in. WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T SHE TELL ME THIS!?!?!?!?! After all that, I also find out that they have been in town since Friday but didn't bother to tell me, after all I am only... I don't know... HER FATHER! After all this, I finally get back to the house and my girlfriend isn't talking to me much... she even left and slept on the couch... I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I need to figure it out before I lose everything again.

4 Feb 2011 8:52PM

Well... Things were going great today, me and the girlfriend were having a great day until I get a text message. After that text message everything went downhill. It wasn't anything bad, I just had to ;eave early from her house, but ever since it seems as if she has been upset. We haven't really talked much, and she left abruptly from our conversation on instant messenger. I hope I didn't say or do anything wrong. I hope she is just working through her own shit right now... But if she is, why won't she tell me what's bothering her? I don't know, maybe I am just being paranoid.

22 Jan 2011

Why can't I just say it? I want to... God do I want to... but I just can't do it. It's just three simple words. But I think that's where I'm wrong. Those words are anything but simple. Those words have the ability to change lives. But in this case I know it would be changing for the better, for me that is... and even that depends on what she says. I might just do the old facebook msg that I am so adept at. It has very rarely failed me... yet, I know it is the chicken shit way of going about it... but I never claimed not to be.

19 Jan 2011 14:57

Why does she seem so distant today? She has since this morning. I don't understand, if she has a problem I hope she knows that she can come to me for help. If it's something I did then I wish she would just tell me. I am so insecure as it is (more than I usually let on) and I worry that I might lose her. We have only been together for such a short time, but I can tell that she is what I need. She is the type of person that could really make me straighten myself up. I hope that this is just a bad day.

19 Jan 2011 10:45

I have a feeling that I am falling in love. I hate to say that this early into a relationship, anyone who knows me or has read the intro to my book knows that I can't stand when people say "I love you" early in relationships. It's far too over used. But I find myself being around this girl and having the urge to say it, sometimes to the point that I wait for her to leave the room or turn away and I have to whisper it under my breath or mouth the words. I have never had a girl get in my head like this, to the point that I can't stop thinking about her, I have dreams and she is there, I close my eyes and I see her, I even hear her voice when she's not around and it makes me happy. God help me, I'm falling hard and fast....

First Post

Ok... so this is my first post on my own seperate blog... this blog I will be treating more as a diary than a blog. Yes I know that this is basically an open forum, but its my life and not many people on here know me, so I think I'm safe. I'm going to keep this post short... the other ones should be a lot longer.